


Artificial Humor

by Draconem_Effectus



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-13
Updated: 2014-06-13
Packaged: 2018-02-04 12:57:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1779928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draconem_Effectus/pseuds/Draconem_Effectus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When EDI struggles to understand a human emotion, Joker turns to Kaidan for help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Artificial Humor

The Normandy, usually bustling with noise and activity, was quiet as Commander Shepard walked through the Crew Quarters.  It was the first break the crew had in a long time, and most had decided to take advantage of it by throwing an impromptu party in the shuttle bay. Not wanting to put a damper on their fun by having their commanding officer there, Shepard had spent the night playing cards with Tali, Liara, and Garrus instead. 

As he rode the elevator back up to his quarters he could still hear the faint beat of music wafting up from the shuttle bay.  He allowed himself a smile, he was glad his crew was getting the chance to blow off some steam and relax for a change.  With all the stress they had been under they certainly deserved it. 

A sigh of relief escaped him when the elevator doors opened at his cabin. He wasn’t sure what the time was, but he did know that it was much later than he usually stayed awake. All he wanted was to slip into bed and sleep off the many glasses of whisky he’d had. 

When he walked through the door he nearly yelped in surprise. In his years as a commander he thought he had seen enough to prepare him for anything, but he quickly found out he was wrong.  He blinked several times to make sure he wasn’t dreaming, but the scene in front of him wasn’t going away.

Joker and Kaidan were stark naked on his bed, covered in sweat. Joker was on all fours facing away from Shepard, his head down in the pillows; and Kaidan was thrusting behind him with his hands grabbing Joker’s waist.  From the grunts and moans they were making it sounded like at least one of them was enjoying it. 

But the weirdest part of it all was EDI sitting in the chair in the corner, watching them with fascination. 

None of them seemed to hear him enter the room, though he knew EDI would be aware of it; she knew where everyone on the ship was at any time. 

He wasn’t entirely sure what to do.  On the one hand it seemed rude to interrupt, they were really going at it, but on the other hand they were using his bed, the bed he desperately wanted to collapse into and pass out. 

With a silent sigh Shepard resigned himself to a night in the Crew Quarters, and was just turning to leave when the door opened.

“Shepard? Sorry to barge in but you left your-” Liara’s voice cut off with a gasp. There was a flurry of movement from the bed as the two men hastily wrapped the bed sheet around them. Silence filled the room as the group looked at each other.

Joker’s face was blood red, and his eyes were locked on his lap. Kaidan looked back and forth from Liara to Shepard with a slight smile at the corner of his mouth, seemingly unfazed about being caught in such a position.  Liara’s hand was over her mouth and her eyes were wide. 

“I uh-” Liara said after a moment, “Here Shepard, good night!”

She quickly shoved a partially finished whisky bottle into his hand before practically sprinting from the room. 

“Liara wait!” Joker yelled after her in vain.

Shepard started to back towards the door, “I’ll give you two, er, three some privacy.”

“Aww, you don’t have to go.” Kaidan said, his voice light and full of humor. 

“Wait! Shepard hold on!” Joker jumped out of the bed and grabbed his shoulder, gripping it with something akin to desperation. “It isn’t what it looked like.”

Shepard turned, struggling to keep from laughing, “It looked like two of my crew were blowing off some steam and enjoying each other’s company.”

Joker opened his mouth in protest but Shepard cut him off, “It makes me happy, Joker. Now I have things to do in, uh, engineering.”

He didn’t really, but he had to get away before he lost control and made the situation more awkward than it was. But Joker refused to let go of him.

“Wait! Let me explain, please!” Joker pushed him against the wall with one hand, the other barely managing to keep the bed sheet wrapped around his sweat-covered body.

“Really there’s nothing to explain,” He tried to slide out from Joker’s grasp, but to no avail.

“It was all because of EDI!” Joker screamed.  Shepard froze, positive he’d misheard him. In the background he could see Kaidan covering his face, the corners of his eyes crinkled with laughter.

“Uh…” Shepard trailed off, struggling to think of something to say. 

“Honestly!” Joker whipped his head over to Kaidan, looking for confirmation. “EDI said she was having trouble understanding the human emotion of ‘passion’, and wanted to see it in person!”

At this Kaidan fell back on the bed, laughing openly. Shepard choked on a laugh of his own. “So you decided to show her… by having sex with Kaidan?”

Kaidan laughed even louder, and Shepard had to bite his lip to keep quiet.

“I have altered my programming to experience the human emotion of jealousy, Shepard.  A female crewmate would not suffice, so that left crewman Alenko and crewman Cortez. Given crewman Cortez’s recent loss of a spouse it did not seem appropriate to pursue him.” EDI spoke for the first time, her gaze locked on Shepard, her synthetic eyes blinking faster than usual. Shepard knew that look, and finally lost control, laughing so hard he had to place a hand against the wall for support. 

“What? It’s not funny!” Joker pushed him hard against his chest, the bed sheet dropping to the floor in a forgotten heap.  “How’s our relationship going to move forward if she doesn’t understand passion?”

“Joker, come on.” It was Shepard’s turn to put his hand on Joker’s shoulder. “You don’t think anybody else has ever slept together on this ship? EDI sees everything, remember?”

Joker stared at him, his expression confused, “What are you saying…?”

“I’m saying, well…” Shepard looked over at EDI, who was looking rather pleased with herself. Joker followed his gaze over to her and blinked several times.

Several moments of silence passed before Kaidan sighed in an exasperated tone, “He’s saying EDI was just screwing with you.”

The colour drained from Joker’s face and his mouth fell open. Despite still being on the verge of laughter Shepard started to feel bad for him.

“I believe this is what humans refer to as a “practical joke”?” EDI said, rising gracefully to her feet and moving next to Joker. 

Kaidan roared with laughter as Joker stared at her in shock.

“EDI… I know you’ve been working on your humor,” Shepard started, his body shaking with laughter, “But seriously?”

EDI cocked her head to one side, clearly puzzled. “I assure you I am serious.   In my exploration of human romance through literature I have encountered the recurring trope of “teasing”. It was a difficult concept to understand, so I asked Crewman Vega for advice on a good way to tease Jeff. This was his suggestion.” 

“This was James’s idea? Oh man, remind me to thank him!” Kaidan laughed, getting to his feet.

“EDI…” Joker drew the word out, his eyes closed, “Are you saying that you didn’t want to witness passion in person?”

“That is what I am saying.” EDI said, oblivious to the conflicting emotions in the room, “As Shepard said, this is not the first time a couple has had intercourse on board.”

Joker’s hands clenched into fists and he grit his teeth.

“Well, I think that’s my cue for an exit. Thanks for the good time buddy,” Kaidan said, patting Joker on the back as he made his way through the door.

“I. Am going. To kill him.” Joker’s voice was gruff and slow.

“I do not understand, was the joke not successful?” EDI asked, sounding genuinely confused.

“No EDI, it wasn’t fucking successful.” Joker slammed his fist into the wall, his face bright red.

“It sure was from where I’m standing.” Shepard teased, moving past Joker to his desk.  The look Joker shot him was pure anger, and he knew if he weren’t his commanding officer he would have taken a fist to the face right then.

“Which part of the joke failed?” EDI asked, as oblivious as ever.

“Uh, let me see, all of it?” Joker said exasperatedly, “You know, most women would be concerned seeing their boyfriend have sex with another man.”

“Concerned? For what reason? Are you injured?” EDI swept her gaze up and down his body. 

Joker sighed in frustration, “No EDI I’m fine. It’s just-- you know what, forget it.”

He turned away in a huff and began to pull on his clothes as fast as he could. 

“Hmm, perhaps I overestimated how much you would enjoy being on the receiving end of a joke,” EDI went on, “Further study on romantic relationships is clearly required.”

“It sounded like he enjoyed it plenty enough to me,” Shepard couldn’t resist piping in.  Joker looked at him with narrowed eyes, though a smile threatened to take ahold of his mouth. 

“You’ll pay for this.” He said after a deep breath, his voice not without laughter, “You, and Shepard, and James- ohh is James going to wish he was dead when I’m done with him!”

“Me? What did I do!” Shepard asked teasingly.  But Joker ignored him and stormed out of the room, leaving Shepard and EDI standing in silence.

“It seems mastering the art of romantic banter will be harder than I anticipated.” EDI said eventually, her hand placed thoughtfully on her chin, “Perhaps I should look into the idea Tali suggested.”

“What was that?” Shepard asked as EDI left the room, slightly afraid to find out the answer. 

She paused in the doorway, “I’m afraid I cannot tell you, it would ruin the surprise.” 


End file.
